I’m being petty and mad over someone else being petty…
These are moments where I know I’m nowhere close to being who I want to be

where it all starts and where it’ll all end. 

Now that summer has arrived and GSF is empty since everyone is back up at Bergen, we have joint service with the youth group and few of the college kids that are still in the area. And since Joe Bae is also back in Bergen, I lead praise just on acoustic. And today was the first time leading praise again after almost 10 months! So I was really nervous. But I loved every second of it. It felt awesome be able to lead again after leading praise growing up in youth group and the earlier part of college.

While I was leading, I looked up and saw like 8 youth group kids and like 3 college kids and I thought, “We’re so small”. But something just clicked in my head. First, God was telling me, “No not small because I am also here in this room. And I am BIG. You guys are in my presence.” And then, I realized it wasn’t just a group of 10-15 people worshiping in a small cabin…But it clickd that we were also in the presence of angels, prophets, heroes from the Bible, joining alongside them worshiping God. I always knew that every Sunday we join them in worshiping God BUT today, it became a REALITY.

And in the middle of praise, I just let a little smile because how awesome is that. I always think that corporate worship has to be BIG. But today I realized that for that 2 hours we spend in ‘service’ at church EVERY SUNDAY….in that split time, we are joining the whole heavenly congregation as we worship the One most worthy of praise. That for that split time on Sundays, Heaven and Earth meet. 

Slowly making my way around here and slowly picking things up. Slowly building relationships with my co-workers as well. Time has slowed down a bit because things aren’t as new like they were earlier in the week.

I must say that my liking for Indian people has increased! Working with them everyday has allowed me to get to know them and really enjoy them. I really hope that by the end of this rotation, I’ll be able to make an impact before I leave!

Idk, but I’m always stuck with girls in many aspects of my life. Growing up with a youth group of girls, most of my high school friends being girls, my previous work place. And now I’m stick with Indian female co-workers haha. They all spent a good 30 minutes talking about Burberry, Coach, bags, shoes, and all that other good stuff haha. The female species is real funny when it comes to stuff like that

joekang:

Be worth pursuing. And not in the selfish-I’m-all-that-princess way. Gents, get your act together and pursue.

Hoping for a a breakthrough but I just get broken hitting the same wall over and over again. Hoping there would be support but just get shot down and send me falling down. Hoping that there would be healing but I’ve just reopened the many scabs I’ve been covering up. Hoping that by making myself vulnerable they would understand but I’ve become too open that they take a shot at me anywhere. Hoping that by walking down the street, they would meet me halfway but I’ve been left stranded. 

And I’ve thought by the age of 20, they (my parents) would come to understand that I myself have no control over my sun allergies. And I want to freaking tell them to freaking yell at God, and not at me, for the reasoning of why I’m allergic to the sun of all things and why I look disgusting, hideous, gross with all these scabs and blisters all over my hands, arms, ears, and body. I got pretty bad blisters/scabs this past weekend from going to Six Flags and supporting KCC youth group volleyball team Saturday. And I haven’t gotten it this bad in a while. My whole body was itching, burning. And now my hands are all infected so there is actual pain. So I’ve been personally struggling all week…And seeing people’s reaction when they see the hideous things on my arm doesn’t help either (I don’t blame them). But I’ve been struggling internally, rehatching old questions and asking God, “Why the hell did you give me this?!” 

And before, my mom made a comment about my sun allergies on my arm and it kinda ticked me off. My mom believes that if she had the sun allergies, she would never put herself in that situation where she’s in the sun all day and calls me stupid for doing so every now and then. But I’ve tried for the millionth time to explain to her that that’s her and this is me. She doesn’t have the condition so she can’t tell me what I should or what I shouldn’t do. I like playing sports, I enjoy the sun and warmth, I enjoy hanging out with people outside-I’m not going to let this one condition stop me from doing all things I enjoy. And even if it gets bad, I deal with the consequences of the itchiness and pain and the looks I get from other people. 

But she said something and I wanted to use that opportunity to let her know how I have been feeling all week. I straight up told her, “As a mother, why can’t you just ask me if I’m okay? If I’m having physical pain from the sun allergies? Why can’t you be supportive and just simply ask me if I’m doing okay?” But then she goes on and on and answers, “Because if I were you, I wouldn’t be going out in the sun knowing the consequences.” And I would reply, “But YOU DON”T HAVE IT! YOU NEVER WILL. IT’S NOT ABOUT YOU, it’s me-I’m the one who has the condition. So for once, why can’t you just ask me if I’m simply okay?” Then our voices escalated times 1000 as it always does when we get into a fight. 

I legit felt like I was hitting a wall over and over again. It just seems that I will never be able to breakthrough that wall. Few months ago, my mother apologized to my sister and I saying that she made a lot of mistakes as a parent in the way she disciplined us and I thought that would lead to healing between my mother, me, and my sun allergies. We’ve always fought over this…But I don’t think things will change when it comes to my sun allergies. And I was so frustrated (never been this frustrated in my life), I went to my dad trying to see if he could perhaps understand me. But in the midst of all my emotions, I couldn’t even speak. I murmured few sentences here and there but ended up just breaking down crying….So I just went upstairs because it would be really awkward with my dad watching TV and me just sitting on the couch crying haha. And I just let it all out in my room…All the past hurts, scars, emotions ever since elementary school started brewing in my mind. I started remembering different instances and experiences of pain I had to go through because of this “sun allergy” God has given me. And people reading this might be confused wondering why it’s such a big deal or why I’m being so sensitive all of a sudden. And I apologize for putting everything on tumblr. It’s just that this pain/hurt of mine goes real deep inside my heart. And most people won’t be able to understand. I mean I don’t think I can fully understand someone else’s pain. But this goes deep in my life and is a big part of my life and faith.

And now I’m just burning inside. Asking God many questions. I want to barge into my mom’s room and try to breakthrough the wall again. But I’m scared that I’m going to receive the same hurt. 

Mother, I know I make the mistake of my putting myself in the position. I know as a mother it must hurt to have to look at your son looking hideous like this. But I know the consequences…I’ve been dealing with them for 20 years now. You haven’t. If Physically, I deal with all the pain but my emotional state during my sun allergies is all over the place (which you don’t seem to know or care). If you knew the state of my heart and mind as I struggled not only this past week (but all the other times in the past where I had really bad reactions), you would understand how much your words deeply affect me. And I want to let you know my pains but you have that wall of yours up everytime I try to explain. You keep saying “if it were me,….” but it’s not about you and you can’t seem to get out of that mindset. I don’t need your attacks at me when I’m already suffering. No need to add more fuel to the fire. If you knew, you would be amazed to find out how truly encouraged I would be by you asking me if I’m simply okay. Nothing more, nothing less. 

God, I’m dying to ask you, “Why…?!?! Why?!?” Sometimes I simply want to ask you why you put me through needless pain and hurt. Sigh…it just hurts because I would think that of all people in this world, my parents would be the ones who understand me the most. The two people you have blessed me with, and who know me the best, would understand. I guess that’s why the pain hurts me more because I realize that no one around me can understand me. I know you are the only one who can understand me and that should be more than enough. But to be honest, it sucks that no one else in this world can. I’m asking for healing. I’m begging for it. I’ve been asking for healing. Relationally, emotionally, physically, mentally. Send me your love because that’s the only thing that can mend this broken heart…